We be sick...

Okay, first it was the monsters.
Now it is me.
bah.
Tired, exhausted, scratchy voice, irritating husband
three more sleeps, three more sleeps, three more sleeps ....
Sent off a whack of packages varied addresses this afternoon.
Hope each makes it to its destination without much harm.

Going to bed.
You'll find me under the duvet with my wheat bag, begging for sleep... undisturbed sleep for hours and hours and hours...

stop laughing.

Hallelujah!!!!!

I have proper e-mail once again!
AND.... now I am going to try and figure out if I can find the alphabet thingy with the accents again! Seeing as md has an accent on her name, I'd love to be able to type it out properly!


SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I am sooooo in love with having normal e-mail again...
oh dear God do I love this!
ahem...

maybe we can blame a smidgen of it on the sugar rush I've got from making Nanaimo bars and shortbread and ...... yeah, liking the icing bowl with my face.... huh.

too much information huh?

home again home again...

Finally home again.
Took the parents vehicle back to them, ours is back. Our bank account is empty... sigh....
Apologies to the techie friend...
I'm going to bed now.
Too tired to think past this point.

snort....

Swiped from Sarah the doula, who in true choco-holic fashion is a
Chocolate pie.

I on the other hand....

You Are Pumpkin Pie

You're the perfect combo of uniqueness and quality.You're able to relate to many types of people with many different tastes.But you're by no means generic or ordinary.In fact, you're one of the most original people around. Those who like you are looking for something (someone!) special.You tend confuse people when they first meet you. You're not as complicated as you seem.Even though you have a lot of spice and flavor to you, you're never overpowering.You are a calm and comforting force in people's lives.

What Kind of Pie Are You?

never overpowering? I'm calm? comforting?
Oh so wrong on so many levels!

I don't know nothing!

Today my father is having surgery... or was it yesterday?
What kind of surgery? no idea
Serious surgery? no idea
Related to the cancer? no clue
Are they trying to 'reset' his heart, like they wanted to last year? shrugs shoulders.
Outpatient? could be, seems that it might be the case... maybe.

All because my mother deemed it appropriate to 'not worry' me.
I am going to assume siblings flung across two other Provinces do know.
But I'll be damned if I ask.

So...
yeah.
My dad is having/has had surgery.


I am so freaking angry with my mother over this whole...
"it isn't a big deal"
"his doctor isn't worried"
"nothing to worry about"
sentance dropping... that I WILL NOT EVEN CALL TO SEE HOW IT WENT.
Screw it. You don't want to tell me about it, I don't want to hear about it either.

SQUEEEEEE!

Me thinks that the Best Buy people took my rage to heart...
As of tomorrow!!!!!
I HAVE MY LAPTOP BACK!!!!!
can you see me shaking with excitement?!

Oh heck... Here is the warning..
TOOOOO MUCH INFORMATION TO FOLLOW!!!!

When we were last being miserable , I was under the impression that my body had geared up for an all out end of cycle fun and games...

nope.

Oddly enough... if I wasn't so absolutely sure of it... I'd say I was in the early stages of labour. And no... the chances of pregnancy are at about ohhhhh 0%.
I'm giving it until the weekend... and then I might, MIGHT, go and see someone about it.
might.

Another spin around the sun...

Well, here we are a year later.
Tinkerbell balloon from the boys.
Three new plan toys sets for the doll house.
A reasonable doll from the in-laws.
A beautiful Hannah Andersson dress from my parents.
Cupcakes and spaghetti.
Sparklers and singing...

And now... right now. This moment.
I am sitting here, remembering the last moments before she came, and left.

Right now. She was leaving the house, on a cookie sheet covered with thick terry cloth.
Right now, two years ago... I was too shocked to feel anything.

Right now, today...
I am still a little numb


* new birthday plate, cupcakes in true pre Halloween festive colours.

That is IT!

I am officially done with trying to figure out my body!
Cripes... I've been 'charting' for the last year in order to document some of the totally out of control impulses in my life.... ahem.... I mean when I lose it and figure I can blame it on hormones.
That said.
You'd think I'd have it down by now?
NOPE.
According to conventional wisdom, I'd have a fairly good idea between ovulatory issues and the end of the cycle fun and games .... right?
WRONG.
Yeesh.
I thought long and hard about even saying anything, due to the fact that I have a few friends in the midst of conception hell. =(
But really! In the last three months I've had what would be termed as a moderate hemorrhage, followed by a cycle of two weeks. Back to what I'd like to think of as a few 'normal cycles' ... And then this week, when I do not expect to have the end of the cycle to show up.
And it does.


AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Urg....

I can now define visceral reaction *see #3.

Saw a photo of the midwife who caught md this afternoon.
Just spent the last half hour puking every single thing from my stomach.
And more.

I'm actually rather horrified that it happened. I keep thinking I'm getting better.
Ambulances are still a trigger, but not to the extent that they have been.
I've almost forgiven myself for not going to the hospital right after I got myself cleaned up. She was safe and coming home shortly... I still feel bad some days. In hind sight, I'm fairly sure I'd be in much worse shape if I had gone. Don't know... I'm crying just typing that.
Md sputtered this morning, and I just about jumped out of my skin. Where as if m1 or m2 sputter, I check, but don't make a big deal out of it.
I've been writing lots, drafting almost all of it.

Hi... I'm a mom to monsters... and I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm still having 'issues' with my last child's birth.
She'll be two years old this week.

ACK!

Well... think I'm going to have to get my wedding band hacked off this morning...
My hand is so swollen and the finger is just downright gross and misshapen...
ugh

27 minutes at emerge... the stench was enough to make me gag!
One ring cutter.
Two cuts later...

Kinda sad. I always figured that if I were to discard of the wedding band I'd be a really angry bitter person... okay so I am angry and bitter. But not in the way I thought.
I'll see if it can get soldered back together next week.
Now then. I haven't slept since yesterday at 7:20
I hope a nap is in the cards!

Had a nap, had hand in an ice pac and elevated the entire time on other pillows... seems to be almost back to normal, but very tender. Found two little puncture marks by where the ring was, finger side... me thinks spider bite.
Haven't looked at my ring yet, haven't had the courage.

Oh God... NOOOOOOO!

School starts a week from today.
M1 has started hitting his head with his fists... inappropriate noises and screaming are a constant now a days... and I won't even go in to the defiance moments. I can't even bring myself to type some of what he says anymore... it is so awful.
Husband has informed me that in no uncertain terms am I allowed to discuss my worst fears for the coming school year. I am not even allowed to say a single word.

Well then, seeing as he is also going to be gone for the 6-10 hours of the day that involve the school day.
HE CAN GO TO HELL.

I'll try not to get too insane here. But wow... such support at home is just making me so happy!
Darn it! I love such great communication in a couple! snorts, and cries .... damn.

Eight things.... be warned, they aren't pretty!

I was tagged by the round bellied amazingly introspective Red Spiral.... Eight things (secrets!) about me...


ummmmm. yeah, I have a hard time finding anything to say that won't involve phone calls from in real life friends.... SO DON'T BOTHER picking up the phone!!!



1. I'm trying to lose weight. I've lost four lbs in the last ten days.... meh.
It is HARD. Not so much the cutting back on food, but the getting the exercise.
I look at photos of myself pre-weight gain and I still don't like who and what I see.
I will divulge that I gained all the weight after I was assaulted. Warped mind saw fat girl as less likely to have it happen again. yeah.... shrugging shoulders wonders if I could even turn someones head to take a second look even without all the poundage now...



2. I despise water... drinking it that is! To that end. I was religious with consumption during all four of my pregnancies. Right now I am averaging about 4 Litres a day. My body has adjusted quite nicely... I don't feel 8 months pregnant anymore (peeing every 20 minutes).



3. I am capable of holding grudges. BIG ONES. I am truely not a nice person. Piss me off, make a snide comment.... DOOMED.
Point in fact... husband and I are fighting over the second call from carpool gal... yes 2nd call! Wanting to get together.
I don't want to have our children around should she come to our home. I don't want to be home either. I have no use for her, or her narrow view of the planet, politics and dear God, the accessory she named after the "dumb one" from a very popular t.v. series. Whatever. I'm just some stupid breeder who obviously had too many children.


4. I am not creeped out by death. At one point in my life, I went to more funerals of people I had been with in their last moments than of any other. People I went to university with thought that was creepy. Much like with birth... death should be treated with dignity. I am still angry at the night nurse who delayed replacing a morphine drip. What most people do not realize is that once that constant falters... it takes days to get back to comfort levels. Fury could only describe my state at the horror that was this persons last days.... Word to the nurses out there (not that I figure any actually read me!) keep your blessed religious morals and teachings with your purse at the station! EVERYONE deserves care in their final hours, no matter how they "lived" their lives!



5. My marriage sucks, a lot. Nothing more. Don't bother asking... I used to blame hormones... then me, then him... sometimes the perpetual state of exhaustion the monsters put me in....
It just sucks. Not much to do for it... just plug away at it and hope it gets better.



6. I can't say all that I need to say, for my own catharsis here. I have another place I write that I doesn't get the right to public viewing. No, I'm not sharing. No, it has no ties to this blog. No... it isn't open for discussion. It isn't pretty. A lot of dark thoughts run through my mind... so I purge them elsewhere... it seems to help.



7. I have depression issues. Always have. Always will? I'm crying a lot lately, I'm withdrawing, I'm avoiding a lot of things.... because I'm scared it'll be another doozie and I hate how I felt when I took meds. and I'm really scared m1 is suffering the same fate... but with defiance issues thrown in the mix ... this scares me more than anything in the world.
Husband once told me to snap out of it, get over it, suck it up...... it was a long drawn out fight.
I informed him that he ought to change a part of his biological makeup permanently... then we could talk again. Years later... he finally gets it (without any harm to his own self I might add).


8. I loved being pregnant... even with the constant puking (and hospital IV time) with m1. I'm going to say this... and hope that it doesn't hurt too many feelings
I'm sad I'm not going to have any more babies. I know I'm done with three, but I'm sad. I'll shut up now.

I'm supposed to 'tag' some other people... make comments in their blogs etc....

meh. If you want to, please be my guest... but really? I've got a hard core of what? five people who read me? pffffft. They've all done it, good reads though, good secrets.

In case anyone wonders what I've been up to....

I've been coughing to the point of seeing stars... and last night! Oh goody, last night, I actually passed out from the lack of being able to catch my breath between hacks!

Went to the walk in clinic this morning. Reasonable doc. Not much he can do, just keep taking the cough syrup and hope for the best.

=(

*anyone with advice on eyebrow tweezing... feel free to send it along!

Well, look what I am!

Oddly enough... I can see it. Hey, even better a Canadian book eh?!

You're The Handmaid's Tale!

by Margaret Atwood

An outraged feminist, you have been oppressed and even silenced in
your life, fueling your fury against the society as it stands. Your role has been
strictly defined by society and you are almost certainly unsatisfied with it. You
have some vague idea of how this has come to be, but insufficient power to stop it,
let alone reverse the trend. And somehow you blame yourself for everything because
people ask you to. Beware people renaming your nation a Republic.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Ummmm okay.... so not quite what I thought...

You're Thailand!

Calmer and more staunchly independent than almost all those around you,
you have a long history of rising above adversity. Recent adversity has led to
questions about your sexual promiscuity and the threat of disease, but you still manage
to attract a number of tourists and admirers. And despite any setbacks, you can
really cook a good meal whenever it's called for. Good enough to make people
cry.


Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

When this first popped up I snorted my green (iced) tea through my nose... then I read it.... makes sense to me!

You're Hawaii!

When they first meet you, few people can tell whether you want to say
hello or goodbye. Either way, most of them will end up saying that you're their favorite
person to visit, if only they could afford the trip. But your soft and warm image is
belied by an explosive undercurrent in your personality than can leave you drenched with
tears or boiling with anger for days on end. You are rather fond of using plants as
clothing.
Linen is my very best textile friend!!!

Take the State Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Surprise, surprise!

Banging my head ....
HARD.

Oh wow!

An OB who dosn't condone homebirth?

I wasn't a very good person in my comment.... wonder if she'll even dare to publish it?

to be perfectly fair... she did so publish it! whoa.....
secondly I was a good person. I didn't demand if the uterine rupture mother had been induced at her suggestion? Or how many iotrogenic c/s's she had caused in her practice so far... or heck, what is her c/s rate? Seeing as she obviously wouldn't dare allow for vbac's after the horrors she has seen!
SNORT.... yeah. I was good. Pat pat pat on the back for me.

bah!

Well then, not only am I cesspool of sneezing and coughing misery (but well hydrated and low way below my fat intake for the day! yeah me!)... m1 has pink eye... badly.
My eyes are all itchy, either out of sympathy or I have it too.
bah!

A week of husband and guests...

So incredibly tired.
Sick.
Coughing.
Exhausted...

get the idea yet?
because I am too tired to try and find more words.
urg.

still don't like husbands glasses.
blech.
still going to figure out how to fix the blog... I think!

Headache has been relieved...

Not sure if it was the vaste amounts of Tylenol... the gruel (no, really it was just porridge. Despite the name, I'm not about to be that Scottish!) or the fact that we got out of the house without bursting in to flames...
Had an hour chat with a friend who has been way too busy for her own good.
Talked with another friend who promises to introduce me to the joys of Mai Tai's once husband is home... drinking while being the only adult in the house just didn't seem prudent.
Had a good long talk with the dad of wee babe this evening after I got home. It was good. He wanted to know if they could stay in touch... they are finding it hard to talk to their friends... people just don't know what to say. I warned him that I didn't know what to say either! We both had a good chuckle over that one.
On the way home from stocking up on raisin bread, carrots and varied and sundry items... we stopped for ice cream and decided to see if our favourite adult from school wanted to join us.
She made us ice cream cones at her house... water in cups with ice cubes and lots of cool toys to play with! She is stopping her home day care this year... and having a huge yard sale of the toys and such.
This is what I insisted she at least take her asking price for! She wanted to give it to me for free. I refused... I had a 20 in my pocket ready to buy ice cream for us... so I slipped it under her place mat and told her not to argue!

There was also a huge container of other pieces and other wooden toys... The boys are beside themselves! It will fit under one of the monsters beds while not in use... can drag it out when they want to use it. The edges are so reasonable I'm sure we can hook up our tracks to it with some connecting pieces, if we want to that is!

In an effort to be a more healthy individual (no I did not have an ice cream cone, I had a glass of water!) I succumbed *ummm isn't there a word like succame? to this lovely stuff at the Costco the other day...

I'll say this... it tastes better with raspberries that came to sudden and violent ends in the blender with it!



I figured I'd try and make the vices a little more reasonable... meh. Not bad, but certainly not an Ice Cap, nor is it a Frappuccino from Starbucks... do not even try and compare it to a moo-latte...


yeah... yum?

No, we did not get a fish, then it died! The empty bowl is the more permanent home for Buster...


We are babysitting him while the in-laws go galivanting all over the east coast and US of A. Very popular little beast with the monsters... so bloggers meet Buster, the beta in his travelling container... also keeps little hands out!

Why is it...

The day you succumb to the Tylenol headache/migraine relief extra strength red pills on a mission...
They chose to ignore the work and your headache gets worse?

Can someone explain this to me.... and while you are at it... bring me a slurpee, caffeinated... super huge... I have cash... I'll pay you back.