This is why...

I think
-Midwifery is important.
-Midwifery is integral.
-Midwifery is amazing...

To have half the eloquence that this gal does...

GO READ!

Happy Birth Day M2!

As always... I remember the events leading to your birth with such amazement.

Thank you!

Thank you midwife B.

Thank you midwife C.

And a huge thank you to doula Shalyn... who played such a huge role in his birth.

Thank you!

*operation tub and surround is going well... tub is in. Surround tomorrow... hopefully all goes well.

What the heck?

This floored me this afternoon.
Of course, this was promised during their last reign of power... and yet... nada.
So... yeah. What the heck?
hmmmm wonder if I'd get in?
Good God. I wouldn't have my excuses...
yeah... I wouldn't make the cuts, there we go. I'm safe again.
Go click the link people! It will make sense... well, unless you don't know me that well...
then, click here...

Crap... what if they actually keep this promise? whoa.....

Let the festivities begin!!!

This morning started way too early for my liking... but the middle monster thought it was fun!

Granted it is actually dads birthday (and his mothers as well)... we decided to have two friends over to play. So over traipsed four others (elder siblings are in N/K with m1. They all had a great time! I won't post photos of the other kids though.

M2 adored his new balloon for his party.
Will write more tomorrow...
Right now I need to clean up the house some more and get ready for the in-law invasion.

I really hate politics...

yet... I can't shut up.

An open letter to the party in power right at the moment...
*hey they said in great bold letters
CONTACT US!

Please take a moment when reviewing your health initiatives and realize this brual statistic. Close to one full third of women in Canada are being told that they can not give birth and must subject themselves to surgery in order to deliver their baby. The world health organization indicates that this should fall under 15%. The increase in maternal/fetal complications for surgical birth is undisputed in the medical community. This then has a massive impact on the system for the care of both the mother and infant, the costs are amazing. I will defer the ramifications of the post partum period when a whole host of other issues also impact the new family and medical system. Now take a moment and look at first world/industrialized countries who have midwifery as a primary care for mothers... YOU COULD SAVE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS! As well as saving thousands of women trapped in the system that is all about how dangerous birth is. Many who are seeking midwifery as a viable option, but can not access this crucial service.The report your Honorable Ms. Oswald has been shelving forever. You know the one, take a look. We need to have more midwives. We need to have a training program here, where women wouldn't have to leave their families and support systems to train. It will be too late for me to do it. I have wanted to be a midwife since I was a child and our friend would come for dinner and regale me with homebirth stories..
Please don't let women in this Province down.

I know that it really doesn't matter that our cesarean rate is high.
I know it doesn't matter that all women seeking care can't access midwifery during their pregnancies.
I know it doesn't matter that the midwives we have are burning out and are under incredible stress.
I know it doesn't matter if we have no where to train new midwives.
I know it doesn't matter that this impacts women more than men.
I know that what matters is the amount of votes an issue gets.

As frustrated as I am with the Honorable Ms. Oswalds office... I've lived in Alberta... I will not vote PC.
I wish I could vote for the NDP with the knowledge that my vote meant something. I hope that after reading this... it might.
Please don't let us down.

mm
mother to three
primary cesarean son
second son born at home with competent and superior care of Registered Midwives.
a daughter born at home with the superior care midwives again.

Yeah... I kinda like them again...

Four of the 80+ I took since Friday afternoons picnic and playground romp...
Funnily enough md is signing for me to get her some milk... like the sippy cup, I ought to remember it should be half full....
nah.
I'm a half empty kind of gal! Happy election to me. I gave the incumbent an ear full on Saturday afternoon... yeah... don't mess with the home birthing nut case who can't even get ptsd help from your "improved health system" ... I also just wheedled myself a copy of maternal care from the college of physicians and surgeons. I know my numbers. I can rip a strip off you before you even notice buddy!

they live...

Decided to take the "day off" of school.
So we got dad off with a friend and he "should be" home early today. Then off to picnic, playground and home to bed tonight... that is the plan. I hope to hit the bus station as I have a package waiting for me... woo hoo! I hope it is something good!
It is amazing how good it felt to just blow off the whole school thing today. It isn't an enjoyable experience for me... M1 was having some issues with it yesterday too. So, we took the day off.
Good for him. Good for me.
The monsters are alive and well. I didn't completely flip out and smother the little buggers to death. Though I was ready to just lock them up behind bars at one point. Zookeeper indeed! =)
Well I'm off to watch the Food Channel. I've become addicted to cooking shows. Last night I experimented with "lower fat" peanutbutter ice cream... seems to have worked. Though it is rather runny when it is out of the freezer for a bit. I'm going to try with yoghurt next, must have something I can eat too.
Need to buy a new tub tonight... we are replacing the tub in our bathroom next weekend. Dear God, poor m2... his birthday is going to be spent out and about the entire day so we don't get in the way! ugh ugh ugh.
Did I mention this task is being done with the in laws....
yeah.
could be fun.
might not be though!

The Hell with "parenting".

I am done.
done.
DONE!

M1 is a disaster.
M2 doesn't even pretend to listen to me.
the md...well yeah, she's just an annoying toddler at the moment... but the constant whine/screeching at the top of my lungs.... 'tis wearing thin.

So I've come to the conclusion that those people who are happiest as parents are the ones who don't necessarily "parent" their children. You know the ones... they have it all together, have nice clothes, hair done all the time ... never have to discipline their children. yeah we all see them . I want to be one... just without the new clothes, not worth it and I believe it is against the rules to make nice clothes in my size.

So, no more reminding M1 to look both ways before crossing the back lanes. You go ahead and cross the street without me... not that you listen until I'm screaming at the top of my lungs to get you to not walk into traffic. Go ahead, be miserable and nasty and snarly with anyone you want. Who needs friends? Certainly not you. I'm quite content with that. Makes my life easier to know that no one would even come and play with you even if we tried to invite them.

M2 you go ahead and take off at any time. I'm fine not knowing where you are. I adore having people bring you back with those lovely condescending looks of "gee can't control any of them can you?". Sure, scream and snarl at me... I obviously don't get enough of it from your older brother. Oh yeah and this idea of using the toilet. Screw that. I was foolish to think that just maybe I'd have an easier time of it with you. Then again... should have realized that with the crap that has been happening with your brother, I have probably screwed you up too.

So that leave the md. I figure she is learning everything from the older ones... maybe if I don't try and correct the behaviors she will turn out normal. I mean, who cares if you take off in the opposite direction of your brothers? Which one of you do I try and get at first? Really.... what a coin toss! I'm done.

Yes, I'll just let them do whatever they want from now on. I will not worry about their safety. I will not care about their behavior. And really, they certainly haven't benefited from my parenting so far. Their behavior is awful and therefore the awful parenting is to blame.

I've come to this conclusion, because today was the last straw. I never want to spend the entire morning crying over the disasters that are my children.
Perhaps tendering my resignation for this whole gig is for the best.
Yup.
I quit.
I am no longer a mom to monsters...
I'm just the damn zoo keeper. Keep them fed and watered... that is it.

Someone take me out of my misery...

In three hours... I'll be trying to breathe... I'll be setting up the hand outs... I'll be going over the words my co-presenter wrote...
Someone
Kill
Me
NOW!!!!

breathe.... breathe.... breathe....

No, I'm not procrastinating... I'm taking a break from freaking out over having enough information and backing up my words with the right studies...

OHMYGOODNESSI'MSOSCARED!

eep.

And you all thought I'd be so ready for this didn't you?! Yeah, that mom to monsters knows her stuff about caesareans and vbac like the back of her hand...
Lets just say her hand is shaking a bit... not so easy, now is it!

EEEP!!!!!!!

Reprinted with permission...

This was posted by a LLL friend and leader.
Yikes. You'd think that as a place catering to those who are in serious health trauma would realize that encouraging breastfeeding is for everyones benefit?
You would think.


My sister and I are staying in the Ronald McDonald House in Houston because one of her 17 month old twins had to have brain surgery to remove a tumor last week. The RMH has been great and we have felt so blessed to find such a safe and homey place to take care of her other two children and my daughter while we are here for Tobin's recovery.However yesterday my sister, who is nursing the twins, was asked to stop nursing in the communal area of the Ronald McDonald House and to take it up to her room. She was shocked! After his surgery her son will basically only drink breastmilk and it is the only thing that eases the constant pain and anxiety he feels. She told them that it was illegal, according the Texas state law, to ask a breastfeeding mother to stop nursing in any public or private place. She also tried to explain to them how inconvenient it would be for her to take all her children up 3 floors to their room every time her sick child needs to nurse.Unfortunately after 30 minutes of arguing, and being threatened with being kicked out, she was in tears and they weren't backing down. So I headed down there to talk to the administrator because I am also nursing my three year old daughter. I even pulled up the state law on my laptop and after a lengthy discussion the administrator acted as if she was going to examine the law so she understood it and move on. I thought that was the end of it. Today I find out they may be kicking us out of the RMH because we refused to comply with what they call their "interpretation of the law". Their interpretation is that if they provide somewhere else for us to nurse they don't have to let us nurse in public places. Since when do laws get to be personally tailored to an organizations needs?This is a ridiculous and terrible situation for all of us, I am not sure what else we will do if we can't stay here but we can't just not nurse our children. The Ronald McDonald is such a great resource, why do they have to discriminate against nursing moms?If you would like to send a letter we would appreciate it. Arlene Whatley is The Executive director of The Holcombe location of the RMH where we are staying and one of the people who Jessica spoke to about this. It is Arlene that seems to be making the decision here. Her email is awhatley@rmhhouston.org and her phone is (713) 795-3570.This message may also be shared and reposted. Thank you all for your support.

To quote one of my favorite Americans...

"If I keep this shit pent up, someone might find themselves under six feet of Quick Lime in my backyard..."

Of course quicklime isn't all that accessible at the moment.... and the ground is still frozen... but yeah... you get the idea!

All I can say is...
Spending time with the family who have now put two children in the ground is brutal.

BRUTAL.

Dear friend.
Dear mama. Because you are a mama.
Your children were beautiful.
So amazingly beautiful... I ached to see their perfection. As if it could have made a difference if they hadn't been perfect. *
I just sat with the book of photos so lovingly put together. I recognized the posture of a woman healing from surgery. I will never forget the absolute and stark sorrow in those photos. I sat and ran my fingers over the footprints of your beautiful babe.... over and over again. The plastic protecting them was soft and warm... I know that you must do the same.
I looked at the photos your friend took of this babe. Each one, more beautiful and powerful than the last. It is a wonder to me, how not all of the photos have tears streaming down your face. I can not fathom the pain, the sorrow, the loss. I promised to take you shopping for a new book. Another book of photos... which will never change. Anniversaries will document only your change. I'm so angry for this. Why should you have to do this again? I will help you pick out the stickers and assorted things you need...
I helped you bundle up all the baby things so carefully put together for this babes arrival. I finally couldn't hold it in any longer. I'm sorry. But the unfairness of it all, the horror of you having to do this twice was too much. I cried, you cried... I felt like an interloper in your grief. Finally I blurted out my worst fear.

Did you call to see if I'd go with you to the hospital. I'm so sorry I wasn't home. I'm so sorry!

You laughed at me. My God, that was a shock. You laughed. No, the hospital was far from your mind. You just wanted me to light the candle... the candle I light for friends in labour... to hold space for them and their babies.
I'm sorry I wasn't home to light the candle.
I'm sorry I was so selfish to feel that maybe, just maybe this was all my fault for not being home. You should never have had to pat me on the back and say... Hell no. I didn't want to go anywhere, I was just excited.
I was glad to do the dishes...
I was fine with tidying up the house. Mourning overshadows the tedious day to day things in the world. Do not apologize.
I needed to make muffins for you and husband. You need something that doesn't take effort to make to eat.
I wanted to start bread in the bread maker, so that when your husband came home... the two of you could have something warm... because I know that you feel so cold.
I know you did not want to wash the blanket your babe was wrapped in after the birth. I do not think it is gross or horrible or sick... it is all you have. You keep that blanket as long as you need to.
I needed your permission to cry. I felt that I didn't have a right to. We've only known each other since shortly before I had the md. I felt like I had no right to be angry and mourn your loss.
thank you...
I wish I had the magic in me... I wish I'd had the magic and the power to go back. To find that missing piece of the puzzle. I wish that this had never happened.
I wish that even now, knowing why... would make it easier instead of harder.
I wish I knew the right words.
I wish I knew the right things.
I wish I knew how to really help.
I wish.
I wish.
So, dear mama... I am going to come over again... and again... and again. I will do the dishes. And I will offer to go out for a walk, for a coffee, to get groceries. I will not walk away from your grief. I promise.
One of the women, who lost her precious babe just mere weeks before yours... she had it so right.

Why do they have to be so fucking perfect?

Perfect babies... why they were taken from this world is so unfair.

Love you.
the mom to monsters

*what makes me think that a lack of perfection would have made it better? Does some physical explanation on the eyes make the brain and heart accept it? I doubt it. Something proving that "this" is why your baby died.... no. I have doubts that would ever help.

What year is this?

Ummmm. huh. Any of the other CBC geeks out there listen to As It Happens tonight?
They carried a story about a Prom in Georgia...
Here is where I found the one and only news story coverage of it.

I believe that this link will give you a "Podcast" of it on Friday, when they get updated... please don't ask me to figure out how to podcast. I'm really not capable... trust me.

Any hoo.... anyone else a little befuddled by this. At first I thought that this can't be happening... then I realized, this probably happens more often than not. Then I was sad... that there seems to be "another private prom" being held this coming weekend... for the "white kids".

Yeah... and I thought I disliked high school. I've got nothing on what these students are going through.

another post of random thoughts...

'Cause I'm fun that way!
I think I might have to issue an apology to (Lord help me!) Tori Spelling...
"On being offended by Internet gossip: Someone wrote, 'Of course she just scheduled one [a c-section], that's what all actors do.' But I would have much rather had a natural delivery! The recovery is so painful, and you want to be able to take care of your baby"
Courtesy of CBB.
Yeah... huh.
I believe in another snippet about her, they talk about the whole "induction" after p.r.o.m. And really gang ... it wasn't that premature a rupture of membranes. Bah humbug to the medical community for giving this woman a totally iatrogenic cesarean. Go Docs.

Couldn't sleep last night, so I turned on the t.v. I'd never seen "If these Walls Could Talk" ... Yikes. What a powerful movie. I remember it causing such a ruckus... So sad to think that some States are back to the 1950's mindset .... Truely frightening.

Going to visit with my friend this week. It is going to be rough...
I did not go to the funeral. I called and explained that my parents were in, and that really... I'm a chicken. I was then informed that they pretty much decided on family only. Very few people were not related by family lines. They are being cared for and loved a lot. I'm so thankful for that!

Seems that my elder sibling is heading South of the boarder this week. Silly man is doing a marathon... or is it THE MARATHON ? Crazy... then again he is getting old, and the beer is spectacular in good 'ol Beantown.

I should be folding the rest of the laundry, so I can put more in the washer and dryer at the moment.... yeah. Procrastination is GOOD!
Yeah, just look at this... took me two days to get this thing posted!
bah.

The grinch who stole Easter...

Oh dear. Really? parents of mine. No chocolate? You must be kidding.



Sorry little sweet pea. There will be limited chocolate, no jelly beans, no Cadbury Eggs, Peanut filled eggs, caramel filled eggs.... no candy coated chocolate eggs, no jelly bunnies either.



We are bad, bad, bad parents.

Yet... we have excuses. First of all, poor m1 just about retched when he had a piece of candy yesterday. Yes, a five year old... retching... over candy.

"Its too much mum!"

This is how our world is. Very little candy, less refined sugar, chocolate in the milk variety but that is about it.

I see a boy who is doing so well these days in school! He doesn't beg for candy or sweets in general. So really... I don't think we are being too awful.

Mother in law went completely nuts.... and we had to weed out some of that huge basket you see in the upper left.

I adore that she bought them plates (I bought a set too of the same ones a few weeks ago) she purchased the matching mugs... an outfit of questionable taste as far as the skirt goes... but all in all, cute for the md. The family gets the DVD of Peter Pan... as we all know ... this was very popular in our house!*scroll to the last picture, not the puking pumpkin!

My parents got them each a stuffed animal. Perfect. Easy & simple... they will be thrilled.

We, the grinchy parents filled eight tiny eggs tonight with yogurt covered raisins, banana chips, dried apricots, papaya, cranberries, raisins, apples and pineapple. Blue for m1, green for m2 and pink (yes, the rash is still around!) for the md. They are nestled in the somewhat hideous baskets that the MIL gave them last year... it will make her happy to see them being used. Oh and that nice simple square basket at the back... that contains one Lindt bunny each boy, and two carrots for the girl *she also gets the cute little watering can with the flowers and bugs and seed packet toys...

Perhaps we aren't all that bad huh?

Have you seen this bag?

No seriously! HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BAG!?
I know I've got some people reading from the US of A!!! C'mon everyone has to know of someone in Florida!
Ask around!

Tomorrow brings back the chaos...

M2 will be home by suppertime. I believe my father is going to look into purchasing a smart car. Make me cry! I want one too! It would cost the husband less than 20$ a week to commute to work. Sigh....
Anyhoo. M2 is coming home and I missed him. I'm sure I'll be irritated and grumpy at some point on Thursday... but he is rather cute.
Tired, cranky, headache to boot.
I am officially addicted to caffeine. My brain tries to explode if I don't get some form of caffeine in me over a 48 hour period.
bah.
bring on the comments my dear Mormon friend... then again I'm comfy in the knowledge that there is a special spot in hell for me. giggles.
Well... not much to report. Still peeved with husband. He seems to want to ignore the whole issue.
whatever, too tired to care.
Going to bed now. Yes, NOW. I need sleep. I tried to watch House. Then I figured the whole birth in danger thing sucked and well... I've had enough of birthy things for this week. Nothing says scary like being interviewed for your "involvement" with a UC. I wasn't involved, but I listened to mom a lot. I cared about her birth. I never told her, but I was scared for her. As a doula, you aren't supposed to be "scared of birth". Hers I was. Because I didn't have enough understanding of her last birth, or what happened to that baby. It was none of my business anyway... so I just stepped back and let her talk.
Maybe I should have encouraged her to find a doctor, or begged a midwife or something...
But then again...
nothing is certain in life and death.
For now I'm going to bed.
Remember to give your little ones an extra squeeze.
We are the lucky ones.

Good day! Bad day!

*emotional rant and oodles of tears in this post. And No, I don't want to get into it dear friends who have my phone #... I'm sure this is just hormonal hell compounded by way too much sadness, sirens and anger.

M1 had a great day at school... not sure which deity to thank for that... but
Thanks all! Don't know what we are doing right... but I will do my best to keep it up... whatever it is!
Md is on a rampage of fits... seems that she is taking over for her missing brother today. I'm tired of fits. But at least it is only one and not two at a time. right? She wallops her forehead on the ground when she gets frustrated now... just to think m2 was this age when I was in the final weeks of pregnancy. Makes me wonder just how I survived!
Have wasted time trying to write some more stuff. Just can't seem to help erasing it all...
does that make sense? nah... okay... well ignore me then.
I'm so tired though. Not just physically, but emotionally. I'm just tired of trying to make things work. Why can't things be easy? I know that I've made mistakes in my life and choices I've made over the years... who hasn't? But c'mon. I need a break or something.
No, this isn't about the funeral on Thursday. I was contacted by someone "looking into matters" today. My e-mail address came up. I started to panic. Did I ever encourage her to UC? I'm sure I didn't. This hunch was validated by the "person in charge"... they just wanted to know if I was there, or in contact with her during the labour and delivery. I guess she phoned the house, but never left a message. I wasn't even in the city when baby was born.
You know. I have no right to be such a selfish little whiner right now. That couple, despite a crash c/s three years ago... came home with empty arms. Again last week... their arms are empty. What kind of world is this? What a sick, cruel world. To add insult to their sorrow... the "authorities" have to "investigate".

Yo God! Today. You suck.
Sincerely the mom to monsters

Monday Monday....

So here we are... up and about for the last two hours... thank you husband for the insanely bad sleep last night. And by that I mean thrashing about and getting crabby with me for daring to breathe.
Really, there are days I wish I had my own room.
Any hoo.... birthday party yesterday. Lots of fun. Heck, what isn't fun about running around with beach balls and toys and running some more and cake and snacks and running... yeah, lots of running involved. Sadly m1 decided to end the afternoon with a fit. It was then I realized husband hadn't been giving him his essential fish oil capsules... at all. Not one.
hmmm new label, annoyed by husband.
So today dawns a new day with school again.
huh.
I'm hoping that I will not be repeating this emotion this week.
Please, for the love of dairy! Let him be good this week!
M2 is blissful. If you happen to have heard something along the lines of glass shattering in a delightful tinkling sound last night... that would have been my heart!
"Love you mum. Night!"
Love you too sweet pea. I miss you!
"No mum, no miss me. LOVE ME!"
Don't you miss mum?
"ahhhhh no... love mum".

So I'll have to placate myself by irritating the dog...