Oh heck... Here is the warning..
TOOOOO MUCH INFORMATION TO FOLLOW!!!!

When we were last being miserable , I was under the impression that my body had geared up for an all out end of cycle fun and games...

nope.

Oddly enough... if I wasn't so absolutely sure of it... I'd say I was in the early stages of labour. And no... the chances of pregnancy are at about ohhhhh 0%.
I'm giving it until the weekend... and then I might, MIGHT, go and see someone about it.
might.

Another spin around the sun...

Well, here we are a year later.
Tinkerbell balloon from the boys.
Three new plan toys sets for the doll house.
A reasonable doll from the in-laws.
A beautiful Hannah Andersson dress from my parents.
Cupcakes and spaghetti.
Sparklers and singing...

And now... right now. This moment.
I am sitting here, remembering the last moments before she came, and left.

Right now. She was leaving the house, on a cookie sheet covered with thick terry cloth.
Right now, two years ago... I was too shocked to feel anything.

Right now, today...
I am still a little numb


* new birthday plate, cupcakes in true pre Halloween festive colours.

That is IT!

I am officially done with trying to figure out my body!
Cripes... I've been 'charting' for the last year in order to document some of the totally out of control impulses in my life.... ahem.... I mean when I lose it and figure I can blame it on hormones.
That said.
You'd think I'd have it down by now?
NOPE.
According to conventional wisdom, I'd have a fairly good idea between ovulatory issues and the end of the cycle fun and games .... right?
WRONG.
Yeesh.
I thought long and hard about even saying anything, due to the fact that I have a few friends in the midst of conception hell. =(
But really! In the last three months I've had what would be termed as a moderate hemorrhage, followed by a cycle of two weeks. Back to what I'd like to think of as a few 'normal cycles' ... And then this week, when I do not expect to have the end of the cycle to show up.
And it does.


AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

I found this in my mailbox today...

Dear md
For your second Birthday we are sending you a very special card.
In 1974 your mom turned two years of age and her Grandmother sent her this card for her birthday.
Gran'ma Kathleen forgot to sign the card and I kept it especially for you.
So -this card brings special birthday greetings from Great Gran'ma Kathleen and Great Granpa Jack and also your Gran'pa and Gran
Have a wonderful birthday!


Cue tears.
Sweet little Birthday card from 1974... passing down the generations.
Tucked it away in the cedar chest already. Whether or not md has a daughter... it will be hers someday.
For as whacked as my mother is... this was really nice.

I love doula nights...

It reminded me that I do know how to think outside the mom.
Tonight was about homeopathic remedies. Very cool.
It is really irritating that this is a viable option, sometimes a great option... all but for the cost of it.
=(
Going to be checking it out a bit more on my own.
Don't think she quite understood that we, as doulas, can not, should not and most likely will not ever give remedies to clients. So on the other side of the line in our code of conduct.
I'm going to add a file to my collection though...
Interesting stuff.

To end a perfectly sucky day....

I went by the store to see if I could get a tracker on the laptop.

chirp chirp chirp ....

that would be a wayward cricket in that shop. Its buddies long ago perished in the cooler weather....


Well then. Christmas is our new and improved date.

^(#)&$#(()$#&$#*^$*)^@*^*($(#@&@!*)&%)^$)($^$()()#@!@@@@@@@###@@@@@@@@@%#^()^$^$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$


Yeah. I'm happy.
I'm at the freaking library again.
Because the dinosaur that I am working on at home SUCKS!
I don't even know when the birthroom chat is anymore... and I was super crabby when talking to the moderator this afternoon. NOT THAT I CAN GO... BECAUSE DINOSAUR LAPTOPS DON'T ALLOW FOR AOL, MSN MESSENGER OR ANY OTHER THING THAT KEEPS ME SANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahem...
*please note it was 5 pm... children were deplorable and hungry and crabby and I hadn't eaten since about seven this morning.... I was not a nice person. Did I mention it is hell week in the monthly cycles that just keep getting better and better (snarl grumble grrrrrrr)?
apologies....
Thoughts on elective hysterectomy anyone?

Urg....

I can now define visceral reaction *see #3.

Saw a photo of the midwife who caught md this afternoon.
Just spent the last half hour puking every single thing from my stomach.
And more.

I'm actually rather horrified that it happened. I keep thinking I'm getting better.
Ambulances are still a trigger, but not to the extent that they have been.
I've almost forgiven myself for not going to the hospital right after I got myself cleaned up. She was safe and coming home shortly... I still feel bad some days. In hind sight, I'm fairly sure I'd be in much worse shape if I had gone. Don't know... I'm crying just typing that.
Md sputtered this morning, and I just about jumped out of my skin. Where as if m1 or m2 sputter, I check, but don't make a big deal out of it.
I've been writing lots, drafting almost all of it.

Hi... I'm a mom to monsters... and I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm still having 'issues' with my last child's birth.
She'll be two years old this week.

Twice in a blue moon...

I know a gal from another province who had a multiple gestation that defied the 32 week c/s by some miracle!
Yesterday I read a post by a midwife in Africa, who saw another...
This mother though.... did not have any clue for most of her pregnancy.
But oh my goodness! Those babies are cute!
*WARNING there is a healthy dose of despair and sadness laying beside the story of the quads.

Home reading....

So...
Are we supposed to make sure the kid is 'reading' each word.
Are we supposed to allow them to make up sentances that follow the pictures on the page?
Are we supposed to sound out the words with them?
Are we supposed to make them figure out an entire sentance alone for the weekly report?
What about the drawing? Should it match the sentance?

Cripes... and I'd rather chew glass than ask one of the mombots any of these questions.
Yeah, the instructions were less than crystal clear on this new adventure in school.


*sorry, but after an hour with him... I still haven't figured out if we had m1 do the 'right' thing for his home reading homework....

smart man...

leaving a message to let me know that he'll be home at around 11 tonight.

IF I'd answered the phone... he'd have been subjected to a lot of nasty language...

Nacho night.

Think.... please think!

If your OB is insistent that you are going to 'RUPTURE' should you dare to even bring up having a vbac.
And this OB is the same one who did your initial cesarean...
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING LETTING THEM DO IT TO YOU AGAIN?
IF THEY ARE THAT SCARED OF THE LOUSY SUTURING JOB THEY DID...
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING LETTING THEM DO A SUB STANDARD JOB ALL OVER AGAIN?!


ahem...
Oh I just want to smack some people some days...
I know that I'm not a 'registered' doula.... but dear God it is hard some days to keep to the protocols.
*no, I did not say it so brashly... but I did ask the mom to be if she'd be more comfortable having another surgeon do the surgery, as this doctor was obviously not comfortable with the job they did two years ago....

She looked like she'd been hit by a truck. please note... I felt guilt as soon as that face appeared!
At least she might think that one through..... I hope.

=(

Could someone please explain to me why it is that I even care what they think of me?


Totally feeling lousy and miserable and crabby and dejected.


I know it is hormones... but I really do dislike my life right now.

*toally had a huge post that would have taken up the entire page/screen.... oh the ranting, the raving the absolutely horrible things I would have said, if I was a smidgen nastier a person... All there in front of me, in black and white. bah.

yeah, the laptop isn't back yet....

And for those of you who don't remember...
THIS ONE SUCKS!!!!

ahem.
Not much new... went to whacked out neighbours on the weekend.... she was having 'tea' to celebrate having painted her living/dining room white.
white.
yeah... wosw (whacked out social worker), still doesn't cover up the mother load of crap you have lying about. ick ick ick! Nor does it mean you are any more socially adept. FREAK! I refrained from asking if her workplace was still killing off the kids they've been 'placing in care'.... I'm mean. But not quite that mean yet.
School is going tickity boo!
Yes, banging fist on teak wood (hand me down from my grandparents, don't get all environmental on me! I didn't buy it! snort) table. TICKETY BOO! cough sputter.... I'm baking pumpkin cookies with his class at the end of the month. Not so sure how I got wrangled into this one? but here we are.
M2 is still refusing to poop in the toilet. He did on the weekend. So I kept my word, and bought him a toy at the the toy store. His own set of tools... he was very pleased! They disappeared yesterday after he was dumped in the shower with a pile of wash cloths and a bucket of warm water.... clean yourself up buddy.
md.... oh dear. I'm going to be a basket case on the long weekend. I'm taking m1 back to my stomping grounds by myself. No one else.... Which also means... not having to cook a turkey or dressing or potatoes or whatever else is absolutely required of a Thanksgiving dinner according to husbands family. squeeeee! I don't mind Thanksgiving meals... love 'em... hate the stress of them when his parents come, which they ALWAYS do!
I have never left md for more than a day-ish.... a birth of two sort of thing.... I was always in the city, around if needed. I am hoping the two of us survive it. She is rather 'attached'. As in screaming at her dad when I'm not around lately.
Wish us luck.
Well, completely forgot to phone a friend, talked to another and now should be thinking about waking up the little monsters to pick up the big one!
So much for the afternoon =(