Blah kinda day...

It is beautiful out there... like if you forget your mittens you will not die or be too cold!
*note we are expecting a pile of snow shortly!
Any hoo.
Blah day though.
M2 is about to lose his life if he doesn't smarten up. Md is fast on his heels (shocking! I know, who would have thought 18 months would make things well... double! sigh)
I descended upon R last night (waves hello!)
Kicked her butt *yes there is some truth to the suck it up doula title
gently kicked it though... in her delicate condition that is.
Got the i-tunes blasting.
Spent a ridiculous amount of money on Depeche mode a few nights ago.
I know that the things we have bought the monsters are really rather nice. And I know that they will like them. But seriously?! People are spending how much?
Are we just misers? Poor? Stupid, mean, cruel? I mean this morning one of the grandmothers said that she still needs to get a few little things for child x.... and y is done. Stupidly I asked what she bought them..... A Wii for the one, who needs more and a laptop for the younger sibling... a classmate of my child. She went on to rattle off the little things.... I was lost to conversation at that point.

Okay. I need to get a job with some serious money. If this is what kids get at six and eight... I'm in soooo much trouble!

Guess that Christmas at the monster house is going to suck.
Though his teacher was thrilled with her gift card.
She said m1 was so excited to tell her what he picked for her.

This year we have already received our midwife ... for that I'm thankful. Here is hoping a few more are trained here in North America too.
friends always 'buy' us tuition for a midwifery student in Africa/S.E. Asia.

Oh WHY won't it stop sucking?

I'm so tired I want to cry... oh wait. I have.



Husband took the bus to hometown last night and drove back my parents van. I have HUGE issues with this. My parents are well aquainted with their 70's... they NEED to have that van.

sigh... no other options. Asswipes that husband works with 'oh I have this and that and ohhhh you live where again?' Not one offered to give him a ride to work for the week. Nice huh?



R's pregnancy has taken some twists that are not so nice. I'm almost at the point of loaning out my uterus just to get her a baby. *note to God.... YOU SUCK DUDE!!! SMARTEN UP



How I'm going to get my parents van back to them this weekend is starting to completely freak me out! I had plans for taking the md with me, leaving m2 at the local drop in centre thingy and catching the bus back on Friday afternoon. No dice, m2 has to be at least four (toilet trained doesn't cut it)... drat.



Have I mentioned lately that I do not particularily enjoy the 'Christmas season'?

I DON'T!



A miserable old bat who spends time in the parent centre made everyone a gift>
for todays little party. As hideous as I think little toilet paper covers are... I can't help but kinda like this one. She's been pretty decent to us lately (Yes, on occassion I want to counter her 'in my day...' with 'in your day they used to put women like you on ice flows too!').


One of the competi-mommies is getting married. To the live in boyfriend of the last four/five? years. Her three kids seem to be causing a kerfuffle for the good old Catholic church though... oh and no, he isn't Dad. whatever..... I'll believe it when I see it, snort. me? invited. Yeah, hell really is freezing over isn't it?! ha ha ha



I'm tired.

I'm so freaking tired.

I'm not sure when I'll get to the point of not being tired.... ever.



The snow is lazily drifting down from the clouds at the moment. If I wasn't so miserable, I'd probably appreciate the beauty of it.



I've made two batches of bits and bites/nuts and bolts (without nuts though).... yeah the butter season is here. I shouldn't have made the second batch. I've worked hard to have the scale spit out the numbers it has. I'm soooo going to screw it all up this month. Brie with roasted garlic on a stoned wheat thin cracker(look it up people... it isn't what you think!!!) is my type of comfort food. Much to the disgust of my chocoholic friend *WAVES HELLO!!!! just wait. Chocolate at Costco is only in the BULK variety.... tee heee.



Tired. Have I mentioned tired?

Okay, so maybe. Just maybe some depression is creeping in here. Tis the season and all that jazz.

apologies to Jazz as an artistic outlet in music form.



whine whine whine.

grump grump grump

ignore the phone ringing

ignore the kitchen which needs cleaning.

blah blah blah.





yeah. this mom to monsters is pretty crabby. Beware. I'm taking up biting. =)

Urg....

I can now define visceral reaction *see #3.

Saw a photo of the midwife who caught md this afternoon.
Just spent the last half hour puking every single thing from my stomach.
And more.

I'm actually rather horrified that it happened. I keep thinking I'm getting better.
Ambulances are still a trigger, but not to the extent that they have been.
I've almost forgiven myself for not going to the hospital right after I got myself cleaned up. She was safe and coming home shortly... I still feel bad some days. In hind sight, I'm fairly sure I'd be in much worse shape if I had gone. Don't know... I'm crying just typing that.
Md sputtered this morning, and I just about jumped out of my skin. Where as if m1 or m2 sputter, I check, but don't make a big deal out of it.
I've been writing lots, drafting almost all of it.

Hi... I'm a mom to monsters... and I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm still having 'issues' with my last child's birth.
She'll be two years old this week.

=(

Could someone please explain to me why it is that I even care what they think of me?


Totally feeling lousy and miserable and crabby and dejected.


I know it is hormones... but I really do dislike my life right now.

*toally had a huge post that would have taken up the entire page/screen.... oh the ranting, the raving the absolutely horrible things I would have said, if I was a smidgen nastier a person... All there in front of me, in black and white. bah.

What is wrong with me?

Cripes... I've said it before.
I am not one of the cool kids.
I am so not a yummy mummy
Heck, I'm growing my hair out, so I can put it in a pony tail and forget about it.
I wear jeans 360 days a year (yes, even to church! I like my church!).
I holler at my kids.
I do give a good thwack on the butt when warranted ... today's example, running past the crossing guard in to major intersection. Death wouldn't be an option... I'd want to have a go at this kid first!
Nine out of ten friends could logistically be my parent.
I use Tylenol and arnica.... pharmaceuticals and natural things...

Yet.
The compti-mommies and their close little friendships and birthday parties and fill in whatever latest greatest mommy thing they've done here.
And the grandmothers... dear God... just take over custody of your off-springs offspring. You seriously do all the work of the parent and more! Do not on the other hand start telling me that I need to get a job, put the little ones in daycare or hire a sitter...."even if it is only one day a week mom to monsters!"
So earnest. So sweet in trying to make me feel like a chump because I'm sick and tired of the constant screaming in my life. I'd had it this morning after m2 threw one fit after another (compti-mommies suggesting what to do to make him shut up... in their ever so perfect parenting) and md was screaming like I'd beaten the stuffing out of her, instead of putting on her jacket to go get m1. I'd had it. In a rather exasperated tone I tried to politely say. I'm not sure why no one believes me... but this is normal. Day in, day out, EVERY DAY sometimes.

Yeah, that job suggestion was gold.
even for one day.... it wouldn't pay for the daycare costs... let alone a vehicle to get them to a daycare!
Shut up already with what you think I NEED.

And yet....
I feel like crap, because m1 isn't invited to 'the party'
I don't have a freaking clue as to what I'll do when they are all in school. Apparently I should by now!
I don't think we could, let alone 'should', have a secondary vehicle unless it is a hybrid or smartcar.
I don't like knowing that they are talking about the fact that maybe my kids wouldn't cry so much if I was a better parent. *yeah, talk about turning red in the face when they realized I'd come back in the room.
I don't like the fact that I don't trust my life enough to really get out there and do some serious doula-ing. *as in if there would be child care and if I'd be good enough a doula etc...
Yup, I'm in a crappy mood today ...
and all I can think is....
Why can't I just be who I am and not care about what others think.

I love the new Pope...

Yes, you heard me right. I LOVE HIM!

Because I am a very cruel, nasty, miserable human being.

And the 'perfect' little mom who has made my life miserable...

All three of her kids, born out of wedlock ... not a problem with me... it seems to be quaint when people are married first these days... any hoo

Living with her 'boyfriend' who is not their dad.



Goes to good old world church every single freaking Sunday.





According to this Pope.











They are all 'Goin' to hell'



























I'll welcome her with the same greeting I got this morning.







Not even a hello.
*apologies to my irl friends , didn't mean to cause a coronary with that title... =)

Husband will be back a week from today...

And after this afternoons conversation, I am so not looking forward to it.

He completely and totally freaked out on me about m1.

Ummmm okay honey... tell you what. You go ahead and stick your head in the sand... believe that he is a "perfectly normal little boy".

Normal little boys have friends...

Normal little boys do not go around screaming their heads off for upwards of 17 minutes (yes I timed him when we were at a playground by ourselves yesterday morning).... just for the sake of screaming.

Normal little boys do not argue every single request of them... like how about getting dressed? simple enough right? snort.

Normal little boys do not race around flapping their arms saying totally in appropriate words when the phone rings.

Normal little boys do not on average take two to three hours to have a six minute "time out".

On that note... Normal little boys would have caught on in the first four or five time outs...

Normal little boys are a total opposite of my child.





Ummm okay...

So to top off the worst week since the whole school fiasco ended.... I get yelled at for wanting to do something about the kid.



Lovely... and people wonder why I send him to camp?

*because I simply can not live with both of them for ten weeks solid.

Damn jerks!

So I've been left with a whole crap load of advice on how to deal with m1 and all this positive feedback shit.

Not worth the time and effort. Time outs?
Yeah... okay. Like three hours of my life is making a dent in his behavior psst IT IS NOT! and it is not helping for an environment that his sister can get any sleep in...
So in an effort to find my beaten down, howling, sobbing like an idiot for ever becoming a parent self... I tried to reach either of the people who had all this brilliant advice.

No dice.
It is summer.

Fuck. And I mean that.
So this afternoon, I am going to try and find some sort of parenting group/class for people with kids who aren't normal. YES , NOT NORMAL.
Despite the fact that I was ignored, avoided and basically felt like an intruder at the playground this morning... I did truely notice that my kid does NOT know how to play with other children. Does not behave like other children and certainly isn't able to think like other children.
My child is NOT normal. And God help me, if it can be fixed... I only have about five or six weeks to do it...
Gee and I though getting the bathroom painted was going to be tough.
Excuse me while I go rant at whatever is the problem is and try and figure out the solution.

:(

Hideous amount of sadness at the monster house right now.
Will be waiting... when you are ready...

Surreal afternoon...

Very surreal.
The memorial service for wee babe was supposed to be last week, but the dad was only going to arrive on Friday. So it was rescheduled for today.
It was a very small affair. Grandparents, sibling, the OB who delivered babe, minister, myself. And of course the mom and dad. I was fine until the father came over and at his towering 6'4" leaned over and hugged me, started to cry and thanked me for being there to welcome his babe in to the world.

Among the mementos they kept of babe... the diaper from the hospital. Grandma hand embroidered babes name and such on it.
Didn't think I'd ever feel more at a loss than I did with my friend R's request for a baby diaper...

wrong.

Every day I take some photos and document the day for the husband, who is at camp.
As I looked at this one, for that brief moment on the camera...
I realized, I am incredibly lucky.
Trying to figure out rain drops... I added a few more with my tears tonight.
Nothing I can say, nothing I can do to make it any easier for this family, or R. I can only hope that being part of their journey is enough...