Oh WHY won't it stop sucking?

I'm so tired I want to cry... oh wait. I have.



Husband took the bus to hometown last night and drove back my parents van. I have HUGE issues with this. My parents are well aquainted with their 70's... they NEED to have that van.

sigh... no other options. Asswipes that husband works with 'oh I have this and that and ohhhh you live where again?' Not one offered to give him a ride to work for the week. Nice huh?



R's pregnancy has taken some twists that are not so nice. I'm almost at the point of loaning out my uterus just to get her a baby. *note to God.... YOU SUCK DUDE!!! SMARTEN UP



How I'm going to get my parents van back to them this weekend is starting to completely freak me out! I had plans for taking the md with me, leaving m2 at the local drop in centre thingy and catching the bus back on Friday afternoon. No dice, m2 has to be at least four (toilet trained doesn't cut it)... drat.



Have I mentioned lately that I do not particularily enjoy the 'Christmas season'?

I DON'T!



A miserable old bat who spends time in the parent centre made everyone a gift>
for todays little party. As hideous as I think little toilet paper covers are... I can't help but kinda like this one. She's been pretty decent to us lately (Yes, on occassion I want to counter her 'in my day...' with 'in your day they used to put women like you on ice flows too!').


One of the competi-mommies is getting married. To the live in boyfriend of the last four/five? years. Her three kids seem to be causing a kerfuffle for the good old Catholic church though... oh and no, he isn't Dad. whatever..... I'll believe it when I see it, snort. me? invited. Yeah, hell really is freezing over isn't it?! ha ha ha



I'm tired.

I'm so freaking tired.

I'm not sure when I'll get to the point of not being tired.... ever.



The snow is lazily drifting down from the clouds at the moment. If I wasn't so miserable, I'd probably appreciate the beauty of it.



I've made two batches of bits and bites/nuts and bolts (without nuts though).... yeah the butter season is here. I shouldn't have made the second batch. I've worked hard to have the scale spit out the numbers it has. I'm soooo going to screw it all up this month. Brie with roasted garlic on a stoned wheat thin cracker(look it up people... it isn't what you think!!!) is my type of comfort food. Much to the disgust of my chocoholic friend *WAVES HELLO!!!! just wait. Chocolate at Costco is only in the BULK variety.... tee heee.



Tired. Have I mentioned tired?

Okay, so maybe. Just maybe some depression is creeping in here. Tis the season and all that jazz.

apologies to Jazz as an artistic outlet in music form.



whine whine whine.

grump grump grump

ignore the phone ringing

ignore the kitchen which needs cleaning.

blah blah blah.





yeah. this mom to monsters is pretty crabby. Beware. I'm taking up biting. =)

Happy First day of Advent....

So... to celebrate the season of freaking perfection under glass, Christmas.
*husband had a total teacher moment freak out on me, alas... another post for another time.
Any hoo.... in infinite stupidity. I ventured to Toys r Us and purchased a new toy receptacle. The venture to the toy store on a Saturday, in December... not the organizing thought!
I've been dying to have one for years. I also foolishly believe that it will ease the pain of clean up time with the monsters.
go ahead, laugh.
So far, so good...

I've got a half dozen posts in the draft column
words seem so unworthy some days.
Wishing those of you who are consuming my thoughts a lot of wishes come true this month.

=(

Could someone please explain to me why it is that I even care what they think of me?


Totally feeling lousy and miserable and crabby and dejected.


I know it is hormones... but I really do dislike my life right now.

*toally had a huge post that would have taken up the entire page/screen.... oh the ranting, the raving the absolutely horrible things I would have said, if I was a smidgen nastier a person... All there in front of me, in black and white. bah.

What is wrong with me?

Cripes... I've said it before.
I am not one of the cool kids.
I am so not a yummy mummy
Heck, I'm growing my hair out, so I can put it in a pony tail and forget about it.
I wear jeans 360 days a year (yes, even to church! I like my church!).
I holler at my kids.
I do give a good thwack on the butt when warranted ... today's example, running past the crossing guard in to major intersection. Death wouldn't be an option... I'd want to have a go at this kid first!
Nine out of ten friends could logistically be my parent.
I use Tylenol and arnica.... pharmaceuticals and natural things...

Yet.
The compti-mommies and their close little friendships and birthday parties and fill in whatever latest greatest mommy thing they've done here.
And the grandmothers... dear God... just take over custody of your off-springs offspring. You seriously do all the work of the parent and more! Do not on the other hand start telling me that I need to get a job, put the little ones in daycare or hire a sitter...."even if it is only one day a week mom to monsters!"
So earnest. So sweet in trying to make me feel like a chump because I'm sick and tired of the constant screaming in my life. I'd had it this morning after m2 threw one fit after another (compti-mommies suggesting what to do to make him shut up... in their ever so perfect parenting) and md was screaming like I'd beaten the stuffing out of her, instead of putting on her jacket to go get m1. I'd had it. In a rather exasperated tone I tried to politely say. I'm not sure why no one believes me... but this is normal. Day in, day out, EVERY DAY sometimes.

Yeah, that job suggestion was gold.
even for one day.... it wouldn't pay for the daycare costs... let alone a vehicle to get them to a daycare!
Shut up already with what you think I NEED.

And yet....
I feel like crap, because m1 isn't invited to 'the party'
I don't have a freaking clue as to what I'll do when they are all in school. Apparently I should by now!
I don't think we could, let alone 'should', have a secondary vehicle unless it is a hybrid or smartcar.
I don't like knowing that they are talking about the fact that maybe my kids wouldn't cry so much if I was a better parent. *yeah, talk about turning red in the face when they realized I'd come back in the room.
I don't like the fact that I don't trust my life enough to really get out there and do some serious doula-ing. *as in if there would be child care and if I'd be good enough a doula etc...
Yup, I'm in a crappy mood today ...
and all I can think is....
Why can't I just be who I am and not care about what others think.

I love the new Pope...

Yes, you heard me right. I LOVE HIM!

Because I am a very cruel, nasty, miserable human being.

And the 'perfect' little mom who has made my life miserable...

All three of her kids, born out of wedlock ... not a problem with me... it seems to be quaint when people are married first these days... any hoo

Living with her 'boyfriend' who is not their dad.



Goes to good old world church every single freaking Sunday.





According to this Pope.











They are all 'Goin' to hell'



























I'll welcome her with the same greeting I got this morning.







Not even a hello.
*apologies to my irl friends , didn't mean to cause a coronary with that title... =)

Damn jerks!

So I've been left with a whole crap load of advice on how to deal with m1 and all this positive feedback shit.

Not worth the time and effort. Time outs?
Yeah... okay. Like three hours of my life is making a dent in his behavior psst IT IS NOT! and it is not helping for an environment that his sister can get any sleep in...
So in an effort to find my beaten down, howling, sobbing like an idiot for ever becoming a parent self... I tried to reach either of the people who had all this brilliant advice.

No dice.
It is summer.

Fuck. And I mean that.
So this afternoon, I am going to try and find some sort of parenting group/class for people with kids who aren't normal. YES , NOT NORMAL.
Despite the fact that I was ignored, avoided and basically felt like an intruder at the playground this morning... I did truely notice that my kid does NOT know how to play with other children. Does not behave like other children and certainly isn't able to think like other children.
My child is NOT normal. And God help me, if it can be fixed... I only have about five or six weeks to do it...
Gee and I though getting the bathroom painted was going to be tough.
Excuse me while I go rant at whatever is the problem is and try and figure out the solution.

She came... and she left.

I just don't understand.
I just don't understand why this family. WHY THIS FAMILY?!
I'm sorry you came so early wee one. I wish you could have stayed longer.

Would someone please give me some good news? Something.
There was a beautiful rainbow (dog bow to some of our little friends... this is what you get when your beast is a "reign") last night. Wasn't that supposed to be some sort of "promise"?

grumble...

Okay, so the day is getting suckier...

Yes, all you purveyors of perfect English can feel free to slam me on the title.
First of all. Got a troll.
So, just because I have comment moderation on, does not mean you can't leave a comment. In fact... comments are most welcome... if they are done with respect. Comment moderation means that I am selfish and miserable enough to decline sharing with the world what nasty little vermin that are out there.
Greetings wee troll.
Why yes, I was thrilled with your comment. And more impressed in how easy it was to get it totally and completely off my blog. Amazing what one can do when they want to ... techie friend would have an easier way of going about it no doubt. But hey... when one needs to remove vile things. One does, what one can. And I'm sure I could do it again... perhaps.... kinda. Okay, so I lucked out and got it totally removed.
But, the comment is gone. So there.

sticks tongue out and gives great big pbtttttt sound effect.

That was the absolute beginning to the day. Next came m1 and school. Yeah, we aren't going there.... okay we are.
IT SUCKED.
Tears all around. In my life as a parent. I had never imagined I'd hate taking my child to school. I do.
M2 and md are both are sick. Barking like seals, snot to fill a landfill ... with or without the aid of a Kleenex box!
Husband has a concert tonight... and of course the parent council meeting for m1's school is tonight too.
Yeah, can the day get much worse?
On the bright/darkest downer ever side, my grieving friend was feeling well enough to come for a visit this afternoon. She visited with Birdies blog, which is now closed (have been given permission to visit by mama Erin) to public viewing. She also brought over a few of her completed pages for this past babes book. M1 wanted to see it... seeing as we have a not so great grip on what death is already, I was leary of him seeing it. So I explained that baby had died, like granma H... and these were photos that were taken to remember baby.

"Baby _____ didn't learn how to breathe?"
"md learned to breathe though... she was going to die, but then she learned how to breathe..."

Will someone please pick up the pieces of our hearts that R and I left on the floor this afternoon. I think we both shattered any sort of healthy healing we'd had about our last births.
R gave m1 a hug, he isn't a really huggable child. Often squirms away. This afternoon he wrapped himself around R and said he was sorry that her baby had died. It was too bad it didn't learn how to breathe, he was a good big brother and could have helped it grow up. Maybe if you have another baby... mum (me) and the midwives (who would have thought he'd remember the name of at least one of them? I can barely say her name some days!) could help that baby breathe.

Oh
My
God.

How can he be so awful at school and so ... so.... whatever this is!

In addition I'm thinking of a friend who is also experiencing a loss. I hope she is wrapped up in a blanket surrounded with support and love ... it is so hard to let go of such hopes and dreams.

So yeah... it is almost four and I'm so down all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry my eyes out!