To quote one of my favorite Americans...

"If I keep this shit pent up, someone might find themselves under six feet of Quick Lime in my backyard..."

Of course quicklime isn't all that accessible at the moment.... and the ground is still frozen... but yeah... you get the idea!

All I can say is...
Spending time with the family who have now put two children in the ground is brutal.

BRUTAL.

Dear friend.
Dear mama. Because you are a mama.
Your children were beautiful.
So amazingly beautiful... I ached to see their perfection. As if it could have made a difference if they hadn't been perfect. *
I just sat with the book of photos so lovingly put together. I recognized the posture of a woman healing from surgery. I will never forget the absolute and stark sorrow in those photos. I sat and ran my fingers over the footprints of your beautiful babe.... over and over again. The plastic protecting them was soft and warm... I know that you must do the same.
I looked at the photos your friend took of this babe. Each one, more beautiful and powerful than the last. It is a wonder to me, how not all of the photos have tears streaming down your face. I can not fathom the pain, the sorrow, the loss. I promised to take you shopping for a new book. Another book of photos... which will never change. Anniversaries will document only your change. I'm so angry for this. Why should you have to do this again? I will help you pick out the stickers and assorted things you need...
I helped you bundle up all the baby things so carefully put together for this babes arrival. I finally couldn't hold it in any longer. I'm sorry. But the unfairness of it all, the horror of you having to do this twice was too much. I cried, you cried... I felt like an interloper in your grief. Finally I blurted out my worst fear.

Did you call to see if I'd go with you to the hospital. I'm so sorry I wasn't home. I'm so sorry!

You laughed at me. My God, that was a shock. You laughed. No, the hospital was far from your mind. You just wanted me to light the candle... the candle I light for friends in labour... to hold space for them and their babies.
I'm sorry I wasn't home to light the candle.
I'm sorry I was so selfish to feel that maybe, just maybe this was all my fault for not being home. You should never have had to pat me on the back and say... Hell no. I didn't want to go anywhere, I was just excited.
I was glad to do the dishes...
I was fine with tidying up the house. Mourning overshadows the tedious day to day things in the world. Do not apologize.
I needed to make muffins for you and husband. You need something that doesn't take effort to make to eat.
I wanted to start bread in the bread maker, so that when your husband came home... the two of you could have something warm... because I know that you feel so cold.
I know you did not want to wash the blanket your babe was wrapped in after the birth. I do not think it is gross or horrible or sick... it is all you have. You keep that blanket as long as you need to.
I needed your permission to cry. I felt that I didn't have a right to. We've only known each other since shortly before I had the md. I felt like I had no right to be angry and mourn your loss.
thank you...
I wish I had the magic in me... I wish I'd had the magic and the power to go back. To find that missing piece of the puzzle. I wish that this had never happened.
I wish that even now, knowing why... would make it easier instead of harder.
I wish I knew the right words.
I wish I knew the right things.
I wish I knew how to really help.
I wish.
I wish.
So, dear mama... I am going to come over again... and again... and again. I will do the dishes. And I will offer to go out for a walk, for a coffee, to get groceries. I will not walk away from your grief. I promise.
One of the women, who lost her precious babe just mere weeks before yours... she had it so right.

Why do they have to be so fucking perfect?

Perfect babies... why they were taken from this world is so unfair.

Love you.
the mom to monsters

*what makes me think that a lack of perfection would have made it better? Does some physical explanation on the eyes make the brain and heart accept it? I doubt it. Something proving that "this" is why your baby died.... no. I have doubts that would ever help.